Parents who are becoming empty nesters as adult children leave home may experience an identity crisis or feel a surge of emotions.

You might suddenly be asking yourself who you are, what your new purpose in life is and if anyone will need you in the next phase of your life.

Just like adult children who are leaving home for college, a job, military service or new adventures, empty nesters can face profound shifts too.

Behavioral health experts advise parents and caregivers not to downplay this time of transition.

Bidding farewell to a young adult who is leaving home may be as significant or life-altering an event as retirement, divorce, a serious health issue or the death of a loved one, said John Poynton, a UCHealth behavioral health provider, who leads men’s virtual support groups where participants discuss becoming empty nesters, among other topics.

Poynton said it’s vital not to downplay the emotions.

Many empty-nest parents experience both grief and nostalgia.

Parents should acknowledge those feelings, but can also use the time of transition as a springboard for growth and discovery.

“It is an opportunity to begin to reexamine our lives, reevaluate. What have I been doing? Where am I at now? Who am I moving forward with this great change?” Poynton said. 

An empty nest causes a complex emotional response

“Empty nest syndrome,” a term popularized in the 1970s, refers to the responses parents may experience when their child moves out of the home. It is a universal experience that comes with many complexities.

“Changes like this that come at this phase in life can be a significant existential crisis for us, a crisis in meaning,” Poynton said.

Empty nest syndrome is not a clinical diagnosis. However, that does not mean its emotional impact is not profound for parents. And while it is commonly associated with sending a child off to school, empty nest syndrome can happen in a variety of circumstances.

“(Parents) are left with space they don’t necessarily know what to do with,” said Lara Polce, a UCHealth behavioral health therapist, who leads a virtual women’s support group.

“It’s really a mixed bag of reactions and responses when empty nesting occurs,” she said.

One mother might think, “This is great! I have time to focus on me. I don’t have to worry about what I’m feeding my children every night. I can have cereal and an apple,” Polce said.

Another mother might feel the opposite: “I don’t know what to do with myself.”

It’s not unusual for parents to feel both at different times.

A loss of identity and role confusion are hallmarks of an empty nest

Becoming an empty nester is not a one-size-fits-all experience, Polce said.

For many parents, role confusion and loss of identity are hallmarks.

Role confusion comes when parents must navigate sometimes-tricky situations when it dawns on them that their children are now adults. Most parents look for ways to step back and treat their adult children differently. Some children no longer live at home, may live in another state and may not want any input from a parent. Other children, however, remain in constant contact, thanks to today’s technologies.

A loss of identity is also a major marker during this transition.

For some parents, being “mom” or “dad” was their primary identity. When a child leaves home, parents may struggle to find new ways to parent, or they may deeply miss having a child at home.

And some parents confront an empty nest long before a child reaches adulthood. Divorce in a family can mean that children split time with each parent, for example.

There is no typical empty nest experience

For others, an empty nest isn’t always…empty. Some children remain at home for college to save money, help an aging parent or start their journey online or at a nearby community college. For those parents, the new roles can be challenging. What about curfews, chores and other household routines for a child who is now an adult?

For parents whose child went off to college, the experience can vary if the college is nearby or out of state. Some kids come home not long after they move out – laundry, anyone? Others won’t be home again until the year-end holiday break.

Single parents and step-parents may have varying experiences, too. The experience a parent has with an older child may be different when the last child leaves. Single parents who help their only child move out may feel the sting of an empty house even more acutely.

Some parents do not like change and know they will struggle when their child leaves for college. Others do not expect to struggle but then are dismayed when, a month after their child leaves, they are distraught. Many parents experience elation, sadness, excitement and dread.

Polce said that acknowledging this transition and seeking help if you need it is important.

“Acknowledging that you know it can be difficult sometimes, that it is uncomfortable,” she said. “It’s change, and change can be hard for people.”

Consider these tips for dealing with an empty nest

• Acknowledge and normalize that you may have a wide range of emotions.
• Consider activities and interests you put on pause during parenting duties that you would like to revisit.
• Ask “I have not taken care of myself for a long time, now what?”
• Discover new things to care for, such as a pet, plant or garden.
• Build and use a support network of friends, family and others.
• Consider therapy about this major life transition.
• Look into literature/books/podcasts on empty nesting.
• Maintain contact with your kids (scheduled or unscheduled).
• Understand that your adult child’s priorities and schedules may change.
• Know that your child’s interests and values may shift, as well, and this is part of their independence.
• Establish appropriate boundaries by not being overly involved.

Empty nests test all sorts of relationships

A child leaving home can cause disruption to any number of the parents’ relationships.

Married couples or partners face new challenges during the empty nest transition, Polce said.

Spouses who focused on raising their kids find themselves facing only each other across the dinner table. Some are forced to confront long-ignored marital troubles, while others rekindle their relationship.

Friendships also may shift, Polce said. Parents may discover they no longer have much in common with the parents they met while their kids were on the same sports teams and at the same school. This can be a time for making new friends.

Empty nesters can seek new opportunities

Without the daily demands of parenting, adults may have time for new hobbies, friendships and travel. Lean into these opportunities.

Parents who may have taken a career break can return to the workforce or volunteer in their community.

Polce encourages parents to think about what personal interests they may have sidelined while focusing on their children.

“I’m not acting as a full-time parent anymore, so, what do I do?” she said. “Who am I? What do I like to do?”

Watch for these signs of trouble, and seek help if you need

Poynton encourages empty nesters to watch for these signs that they may be struggling:

• Increased use of alcohol or substances
• Isolation or avoidance of social situations
• Mood swings or insomnia
• Restlessness and anxiety
• Excessive time spent “doom scrolling” or on social media

“Do not take these (habits) lightly,” Poynton said. “This is a great time to begin thinking, ‘Maybe I need to speak with a professional who can help me contextualize what’s going on.’”

Support is available, Polce and Poynton said, whether through therapy, a support group or even a friend who is a good listener.

Polce says participants in support groups can offer helpful ideas on how to manage time and emotions and get creative with that empty space.

Poynton suggests people may want to lean into their faith or reach out to friends or family members who have a good record of listening without judgment.

“It’s also a good time to do some reading on the topic,” he said.

He suggests “Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life” by James Hollis.

There is a paradox, Poynton notes, of pouring so much intention into a child’s health, growth and well-being. Then, suddenly, they are going off to college or moving away with a new job.

“They are, in fact, doing what we wanted them to ultimately do.”

Ask yourself these questions as you navigate an empty nest, then take action

Polce and Poynton say that self-reflection is a helpful way to navigate the empty nest transition. Polce suggests reflecting on these questions. Then you can make decisions about your time and attention based on your insights:

• What things do I want to do now that my child has left the home? What did I not have time for when my kids were younger?
• Do I want to revisit the things I enjoyed before I had kids? Or do I want to try some new hobbies and activities?
• Do I want to get more involved in my community? What social activities sound interesting to me?
• What does my marriage look like in this new era?
  What about my career? Is there anything I want to build on, now that I am not juggling the demands of parenting and career?
• Do I want to keep in touch with the friends I met through my role as a parent? Do I want to make new friends?
• How do I want to fill my time?
• Would I benefit from talking with a professional?

Polce encourages parents to consider seeking professional help and joining a support group.

“Usually, the groups are very beneficial because they help each other,” Polce said. “For example, ‘This is what I did, and I really liked it.’ Or it’s just as simple as ‘I feel the same way.’”